Jonnie Baker

World Cup prediction special: ‘The BBC will flood the airwaves with Gangnam Style and fat men everywhere will pretend to lasso women’

  * By Jonnie Baker 6 December 2013 Anticipation is obviously reaching fever pitch over the unspeakably complicated group-stage draw for the 2014 Fifa World Cup (TM), which hasn't been obsessing too many people at all. Certainly not to the extent that anyone would come up with a draw simulator, like the one linked here, that essentially obliges you to spend the best part of whole days pressing a button to see where the flags fly. Now I'm not saying that the draw will end up like this (although I very much expect it): Article continues below   . But I do believe it gives us a solid basis on...


‘Maybe the forces of darkness will force out AVB, but hell’s bells it would be a disaster for Spurs’

* By Jonnie Baker 28 November 2013 Andre Villas-Boas is fighting to keep his job. I know this is the case because everyone says so. It’s everywhere you look, and, according to the DM, failed Roma manager Luis Enrique is already in the box seat to replace him. And replace him Tottenham surely must. After last season’s shameful highest-ever Premier League points total and the shambolic start to this season that has seen the club enjoy their best start for many a year, it can only be a matter of time before the clueless youngster sends the Lilywhites to the bottom of the league. I’m employing sarcasm...


‘He copyrighted making a little heart with his hands. That’s all you need to know.’

By Jonnie Baker 13 September 2013 On a good day, I reckon I could probably manage nearly 20 keepie-uppies - which is four times the number Gareth Bale managed when presented to the salivating hordes at the Bernabeu. I am, therefore, worth some £344 million on the open market. You may start the bidding at some Monster Munch and a drawing of a Vauxhall Astra. Now he’s finally gone, we - by which I mean the deluded masses who claim to follow Tottenham - are left to discuss his departure and are questioned closely by approximately no-one at all as to how we...